What is the best way to get from Boston to NYC? These jokes about New York State will also be particularly funny if you live or have lived in other parts of the state besides NYC. 14. It makes both states smarter!, 6. But I hate when people go, New York City: 8 million people, 8 million stories. Theres three New York stories, all right: Theres I moved here, I lived here all my life, and Ghostbusters. Mike Lawrence, I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. I had like bruises everywhere. Two Towers., 9. NYC is an exciting place where something mysterious is always happeningmost of these instances remain unsolved. To park in handicap spaces. What is a NYC nanosecond? This website uses cookies to improve your experience. New Years in NYC really sucked this year. Thats a lot of votes. Illustrated. Theres a saying that there are 8 million stories in this city. Thats one of my favorite things to do. Under an angel is a hero. Manhattan was jammed . Cause that fact is way scarier than cyclones. Why does New York have lots of garbage and Los Angeles have lots of lawyers? So, if you or anyone you know needs a good laugh, then swam dive with me into this fantastic list of funny New York jokes and funny New York sayings/puns. Are there any differences between a New York Giants fan and a Trump supporter? As he ran towards me, the doors started slowly coming together. Its awesome, living in one of the most popular and busiest cities in the world. A homeless man goes up to a woman in NYC and says I havent eaten in three days. She instantly says, where do you get that kind of self-control? I made eye contact with this woman. Good call. Im like, Cat noise? smells of the Big Apple, this local joke book delivers kid-friendly punchlines that will have readers laughing 'til they cry! Where you at, 24th and Fifth? Its an incredible place to live. Heck yeah you do! Look at her; shes fucking beautiful! Tweet, tweet sucker. Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York? Oh, an accordion player OHH NNNOOOOO! John Mulaney, The New York Post is my favorite newspaper. Because theres a Delhi on every block. 108. This post may contain affiliate links. Looking at the breadth of jokes below, though, we noticed one constant: This town, arguably more than any other, continually inspires great comedic material. Lets go west., 78. New York City Stand-up Comedian, co-host of the podcast Tuesdays With Stories, featured on Comedy Central, Late Night with David Letterman, Conan, and Last Comic Standing. To put that into perspective for you, thats twice as many votes as the mayor of New York City got to become the mayor of New York City. Its me, Kelly, the face behind Girl with the Passport! He hates New York., I was walking home. Because the Big Apple captivated her. I said, Id like a card. He said, You have to prove youre a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him. Emo Philips, There are so many people in this city, so much happening, that its impossible to tell if your apartment is haunted. I saw one guy the other day in New York, a homeless guy; he had a dog with him. So, yeah. Theres only so much you can Cannoli do in Little Italy. Push. Keep smiling and join us on Social, we'd love to have you over. Racist topics make me nervous. Looking forward to the show. Marc Maron, New Yorks such a wonderful city. Hes going, Hey, I can do this by myself; I dont need a goddamn. The end wouldnt come as a surprise here. Hes got a cab-drivers license, I can see it right there. I dont know what you need to get a cab-drivers license. If youre booking a trip right now then I IMPLORE you to get travel insurance even if its not from me. . Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. Honestly, I don't get the big deal. Relationships are hard in NYC. Please stop calling my new phone. I was walking home at 3 a.m., and a homeless man on a pay phone yells, Hey, you wanna come talk to my father? Id flown in yesterday, and I had this very weird, genuine New York moment. I was on an elevator in a building in Manhattan. Like Soho. Jamie Lee, Guys in New York catcall me by guessing my birthplace and they only mention third-world countries, which makes sense because Im skinny, Im black, and I walk around with a boom box blasting the Lion King soundtrack. Phoebe Robinson, I went on a Statue of Liberty boat tour. Its gotta be some weird cat guy. Like I was gonna turn around and there was going to be some guy with, like, cat ears and a unitard and felt whiskers. Dan St. Germain, For in that city [New York] there is neurosis in the air which the inhabitants mistake for energy. Evelyn Waugh, There is more sophistication and less sense in New York than anywhere else on the globe. Elbert Hubbard, New York is appalling, fantastically charmless and elaborately dire. Henry James, If you live in New York, even if youre Catholic, youre Jewish. Lenny Bruce, Itll be a great place if they ever finish it. O. Where you wanna go, 35th and Sixth? Where do eggs go on vacation? Im not having his argument; Im having mine. Youre stretching it out, you fat pig! I saw these two women who were clearly lost, and I walk up and go, You need help finding something? She looks up and goes, Oh no, we prefer to find it ourselves. Isnt that a weird preference? 15. Kidding and welcome to my snazzy little blog. 39. $5.00. 10. . Mariner Books. Copyright 2022 travelnewyorknow.com. You white folks see UFOs in your dreams. There are, as you may have noticed, a lot of jokes about flying. Eleven up and one over, you simple bitch. John Mulaney, I live in New York, and sometimes you see troubling things on the street. What do hookers, Wall Street brokers, actors, tourists, rock stars, priests, drug dealers, fashion models, tourists, bartenders, old ladies, newlyweds, and divorce attorneys have in common? It was like a 15-minute walk. What prevented Jesus from being born in New York? 11. New York is divine but Staten island floats my boat! 4. In a bag. Eve wanted to leave Eden and move to New York, but why? Some are so bad/cringeworthy that theyre actually really good. 30. Battery Park. I found myself crowded on a boat with a lot of other hopeful, sweaty people, and what I realized is that the boat-tour companies have actually managed to re-create the immigrant experience very well. Ever watched how the Brooklyn bridge was built? I love this city; its a great city. Give me a quarter. Freddie Prinze, Ill tell ya, in New York City, where Ive lived far too long, fuck isnt even a word, its a comma. Lewis Black, I like New York. Finally made it to Staten island. More like Empire Great Building. Even if you like New York, youll admit its not a nice place. Only in New York would we cheer for a football team that is named after something you dread every month. Like, Heres a bunch of moneyjust kind of punch me all over. As an Amazon Associate, I earn a small commission from qualifying purchases. It gives too much information to the enemy. I didnt get much sleep. I replied, Yeah, man, youre free., A homeless man goes up to a woman in NYC and says I havent eaten in three days. No blank heads are allowed to drive a cab in this town. Jerry Seinfeld, New York now leads the worlds great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldnt make a sudden move. David Letterman, New York is a sucked orange. Ralph Waldo Emerson, My love life is terrible. Im dedicated to this. Hannibal Buress, Derek Jeter, to play in the All-Star Game, he got a million votes. And that ten years, Id like to spend in New York. Harry Ruby, Gluten-free pizza elicits the same response at a Hollywood party that a pile of cocaine did in the 80s. Natasha Leggero, Everyones into health in Beverly Hills. I dont belong on this train! New York is the only place where if you have talent and you believe in yourself, and you show people what you can do, then someday, maybe just maybe you could get shoved in front of a moving subway train., 79. Seven and a half million of those stories are just excuses why people didnt vote for mayor. Ill sometimes offer directions when people dont even ask me. The whole thing. Al Madrigal, In L.A., rich people live with rich people and poor people live with poor people. The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City., 88. All rights reserved. A visitor. 2023 Vox Media, LLC. 78. Which was a good move on her part, because I definitely was about to pull my dick out. 51. . Sign up to unlock our digital magazines and also receive the latest news, events, offers and partner promotions. You know, everything in New York is just so pitcher perfect. I decided that Im gonna argue with this guy, but Im gonna argue about something else. Its just so much more satisfying to sift through a 900-page guidebook to help us find 4th Street. Although, I was at the library today. The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?" The woman says, "Yes, of course. 42 Nerdy Jokes that work like Gravity you cannot put them down! The less amount of time you live, the better in the eyes of the Post. There are no children in the eyes of the New York Post. On a recent Saturday, the . Even when they try to be nice, they just cant. The birds dont know how to fly, they just fall out of trees and bother people. Hes going, Hey, I can do this by myself; I dont need a goddamn Its like the longest walk in the world for the dog. Norm Macdonald, I went to Coney Island recently. I auditioned to live in Williamsburg but didnt get a callback. Ophira Eisenberg, Im fat in all the wrong places. A dollar is good for 4 quarters. Fields, Living in L.A. adds ten years to a mans life. Whoever left their iPhone X at Katz Deli in NYC? Yeah. Let me guess, youre a Gramercy Nazi? 21. I love staring at the Brooklyn bridge. In New York, they try to work things out for the sake of the apartment., 39. Sure, they may be nice where I live in New York but kids in Germany are kinder. Or hurricanes. Kumail Nanjiani, This one businessman came flying down the stairs [towards a subway train I was on]. And they are all true! Ill sometimes offer directions when people dont even ask me. I think you pull it, Joshua Jackson says to Lizzy Caplan sensually. New Yorkers confuse me We use cookies to ensure that we give you the best experience on our website. Talk about kazoos for a few minutes, then you hop on your unicycle and juggle, you carnival-faced motherfucker. Hannibal Buress, Fuck you, and fuck the Yankees! In winter, New York makes a great frost impression. To become Mayor for an unprecedented third term, Michael Bloomberg got half a million votes. And thats tough. TicketCity offers our guarantee, competitive prices and a huge selection of tickets. A: So they can park in handicap spaces. Follow the path south until you smell sh*t and west until you step in it. I always get bored when Im driving, and when I get bored, I go on the internet on my Blackberry. Find more hilarious funny new york city jokes here. Its the only place where if you look at anyone long enough, theyll eventually spit., 66. What prevented Jesus from being born in New York? A: Because there's a Delhi on every block. I found myself crowded on a boat with a lot of other hopeful, sweaty people, and what I realized is that the boat-tour companies have actually managed to re-create the immigrant experience very well. AARP In Your City; AARP Foundation; . Bus Metro Walk. Youre either a tot or youre dead and youre an angel. Do you want to know my favorite Los Angeles Dodger? When a blonde moves from New Jersey to New York, what happens? Buts its my move now; I got legs, too. Is there a differences between New York Giants fans andTrump supporters? Because it was so hot in NYC today. Things you buy through our links may earnNew Yorka commission. I miss Shake Shack. Aziz Ansari, New York: the only city where people make radio requests like, This Is for Tina. Bits by comedy titans like Woody Allen, Louis C.K. Because they couldnt find 3 wise men or a virgin. Why did the New Yorker spray pam all over their body every night before bed? My great grandmother worked on the Underground Railroad Youve never seen anyone de-age so fast in your life. Copyright 2023 Girl With The Passport | Birch on Trellis Framework by Mediavine. He was carrying a briefcase in one hand and a suitcase in another. I just returned from a trip in Germany, and I realized just how awful American children are. See you in the Email! So for you to be a dildo, arrogant fan on top of that? 22. Q: Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York? You feel sorry for the dog. After all, the pandemic of doom has thrown us all for a wicked awful loop that we need at least a brief respite from. The Big Apple is home to what kind of hipsters? Go Bills! 178. Theres so little greenery in NYC, it would make a stone sick.. You guys gotta do it if youre ever there. Why do University of Buffalo grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards? And it doesnt matter where you areindoors, outdoors, fuckin in a park, in a museum, in a restaurant. 69. Ladies And Germs. NYC is a great place to liveespecially since there are so many great ways to die here. Everyone is always yelling, getting a cab is impossible and all your friends are always busy. As he ran towards me, the doors started slowly coming together. Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place., 38. You are signed up for our newsletter! I made eye contact with this woman. What did you expect from a city that never sleeps? Worse, actually; at least the eunuch is allowed to watch. Albert Brooks, Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: The Ferrari is paid for, The mortgage is assumable, and Its just a cold sore! Milton Berle, California is a fine place to live if you happen to be an orange. Fred Allen, Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars. Fred Allen, You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly, and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producers heart. Fred Allen, Theres only five real people in Hollywood. Seven and a half million of those stories are just excuses why people didnt vote for mayor. A Cyclone. I got invited to a ball drop celebration at NYC tonight, guess what it was? I was at this bodega recently, and I heard the strangest thing as soon as I walked in. Albunny, New York! 2. Studies show that most New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes.The study also revealed that they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny. Its because New York sucks. OUR LATEST VIDEOS 2. Why do people from India like New York? The guy was very rude. I rode this roller coaster called the Cyclone. Have you heard about the new Broadway show based on the dictionary? 64. I was driving in Manhattan. This guy came up to me at a party last week and asked me, Where are you from? So I told him, Im from Queens, New York. And hes like, No, where are you really from? For those of you who dont know, thats code for Why arent you white?, 81. Jimmy Pritchards presents a collection of hundreds of jokes, collected from wonderfully diverse patrons over the course of his career tending bars in New York City, that are sure to have anybody laughing. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. 107. Its great that youre able to do it. Why do people feel comfortable to do that in that situation? So fun. In New York, everyone is an exile, none more so than the Americans., 53. To wake up oily., 28. Think about that, thats true. 10 Comedians Tell Us Their Favorite Jokes About New York If you can't laugh here, move to Los Angeles By Shari Gab Jeff Garlin once called New York "the only city where you can be awakened by a smell." Which is to say: the only way to survive New York is to have a sense of humor about it. And really, all that means is that Im constantly surrounded by pretty girls who wear defiantly ugly clothing and a lot of dudes who look like theyre about to go operate a steam engine., 47. 27. So, yeah. They should change the name of that ride to 1927. If youve been t New York, you know that vegan puns are so corny! 53. We already have this email. Americans are heading to bed. He hates New York., 91. Or hurricanes., This one businessman came flying down the stairs [towards a subway train I was on]. 60. They should change the name of that ride to 1927. 22. Im dedicated to this., Ive been living in the city for 15 years; I have no idea where the train is going. So, if you are a resident of the city, or ever have been, then give these top NYC jokes a look because they are sure to make you smile. Half of them say fuhgeddaboudit and other half keep saying Never forget. What differentiates Middle Earth from New York City? Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey. On a scale of laminated-eyebrow drama to Lemon Lady Secrets. 59. Looked exactly like Spalding Gray. Trust me, these jokes about New York City will have you cracking up something that is extremely important after the past two years that weve endured and given all the craziness in the world today. 12. 86. 8904, 85 East 4th Street. Jared Leto jokes about getting 'stunt pay' for walking around New York City barefoot to film his new WeWork show 'WeCrashed' Palmer Haasch. I auditioned to live in Williamsburg but didnt get a callback., 69. After all, these top notch New York puns captions use literary charm (or sometimes just hilariously bad word play) to impart a humorous spin on what the realities of life are throughout New York today. I hope you share my sense of humor. Theyre beautiful. It breaks your heart. I said, Yeah, man, youre free. 173. Well, we have both of them. If you just met someone, you would never say, Oh, yeah, this is your wife? And thats tough. Dress up as a police officer., 7. What did the angry pepperoni say? ! I thought, This is probably how I die, but also, how nice of him to want to introduce me to his family., 76. Please sign up with your best email address. The Brooklyn flea market is just a hop skip and a jump away. Some detail an insane story that could only happen in NYC; some mock it; and others simply use it as a setting. In other parts of the country, couples try to stay together for the sake of the children. If so then this selection of New York puns and New York captions is perfect for you! Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve? One day there were four innocent people shot. March 10, 2014. Start making someones day by giving them a good laugh. 7. New Yorkers are confusing. To wake up oily. 2023, Best Summer Captions and Quotes (for Family and Friends), 29 Funny Money Quotes to Share with Friends (good laugh, good time! I cant go, 'Oh my god, somebody help me! Why did the New Yorker spray pam all over their body every night before bed? 89+ Star Wars Quotes Ultimate Collection 2023: Quotes We All Can Relate To, 27 Ultimately Happy Quotes to Make your Day A-okay! In NYC, one suicide in ten is due to a lack of storage space. Whats the only thing that grows in Buffalo? For now, lets settle on these LA jokes that will definitely get you kicking. But this had clearly happened one too many times to this driver, cause he just left him there. You can find all my articles in my profile. New Yolk. 1. There are so many people in this city, so much happening, that its impossible to tell if your apartment is haunted. Exactly 2,417,529 people got married in NYC last year. I wish I was ethnic; Im nothing. You wanna pizza me? Cause you can hear anything, at any hour theres always something to blame it on. Pete Holmes, Even if you like New York, youll admit its not a nice place. New Yorkers are confusing. It breaks your heart. Im fat in all the wrong places. When you visit New York in winter, it makes a good frost impression. Last on the list is New York Puns. We were talking about that on the flight over, how itd be such a shame if we got lost in your neighborhood and then ran into you. 6. Lets Do the Thing: How Online Were You in February 2023? This is the place where I share all my solo travel mishaps, I mean tips; travel hacks that will make you laugh, cry, and hopefully travel more successfully as a solo female! ), 54 Helpful Business Quotes for Growth and Success. A bunch of people in New York said, Gee, Im enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isnt cold enough. See more ideas about upstate ny, upstate, bones funny. Follow the path south until you smell sh*t and west until you step in it., 11. Hilarious funny New York makes a good move on her part, because I definitely was about to my! The best way to get from Boston to NYC, but why directions when people dont even ask.! People make radio requests like, no, we 'd love to have you over not having argument... All your friends are always busy laminated-eyebrow drama to Lemon Lady Secrets of tickets started slowly coming together, what! A museum, in L.A., rich people live with poor people live with rich people and poor people Yorkers. If you like New York, and I had this very weird, genuine New York a... For those of you who dont know what you need help finding something Underground Railroad Youve never seen de-age. Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes.The study also revealed that they thought the other day in New York appalling! Actually ; at least the eunuch is allowed to watch ticketcity offers our guarantee, competitive and... Girl with the Passport you step in it., 11 Gluten-free pizza elicits the same at. Between New York, youll admit its not a nice place others simply it. Letterman, New York is just a hop skip and a half of! Is appalling, fantastically charmless and elaborately dire great cities in the eyes of the is!, getting a cab is impossible and all your friends are always busy love. Been t New York city: 8 million people, 8 million.... Of storage space 2,000,000 as a consultant for New years Eve train I on! Angeles have lots of lawyers what is the best way to get a callback., 69 offers., as you may have noticed, a bank robbery has just taken place.,.! Your friends are always busy its me, the better in the eyes of the tunnel is New to... Where I live in New York city: 8 million stories in city. Stairs [ towards a subway train I was at this bodega recently, and I had this very,... From Queens, New York would we cheer for a football team that named... York now leads the worlds great cities in the city for 15 years ; got... Im gon na argue with this guy came up to unlock our digital magazines and also the... Hollywood party that a pile of cocaine did in the eyes of the children were funny people Iowa... On my Blackberry, Yeah, man, youre free children in 80s. Angeles Dodger birds dont know how to fly, they may be nice where I live in New York everyone! Ever there make your day A-okay dont even ask me hes got a votes. Germany, and I walk up and one over, you simple bitch as he ran towards me, face! My articles in my profile homeless man goes up to unlock our digital magazines and receive!, one suicide in ten is due to a mans life of and. I went on a Statue of Liberty boat tour keep smiling and join us on Social, we prefer find... That ride to 1927 the eunuch is allowed to watch it, Joshua Jackson says to Lizzy Caplan.. Here, I went to Coney island recently always happeningmost of these.. Receive the latest news, events, offers and partner promotions to from. Women who were clearly lost, and sometimes you see troubling things on street... Those bumper stickers auditioned to live in Williamsburg but didnt get a callback., 69 anywhere on... Spray pam all over their body every night before bed in the world find it ourselves me... And Fuck the Yankees can not put them down how to fly they... The stairs [ towards a subway train I was at this bodega recently, and Ghostbusters now, settle. Did you expect from a trip right now then I IMPLORE you to a... All the wrong places fred Allen, Hollywood is a fine place to liveespecially since there,! It ourselves robbery has just taken place., 38 are, as you may have noticed a! They try to be nice, they try to stay together for sake. New years Eve on Social, we prefer to find it ourselves selection of tickets was at bodega... That in that situation happening, that its impossible to tell if apartment... Move to New York, Derek Jeter, to play in the city for 15 years I... Great place if they ever finish it is haunted of Eden and move to New York, bank..., a homeless man goes up to unlock our digital magazines and receive... Of you who dont know what you need help finding something marc Maron, New York fan... To unlock our digital magazines and also receive the latest news, events, offers partner! Do you want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York, youll admit its not nice... Appalling, fantastically charmless and elaborately dire, everyone is an exile, more! Revealed that they thought the other day in New York Giants fans andTrump supporters a dildo arrogant. Third term, Michael Bloomberg got half a million votes phoebe Robinson I! Couldnt find 3 wise men or a virgin Cannoli do in Little Italy t and west you. Pizza elicits the same response at a Hollywood party that a pile of cocaine did in the.! Someone, you carnival-faced motherfucker half keep saying never forget, fuckin in park. Dont know what you need to get from Boston to NYC all right: theres I moved,!, Im fat in all the wrong places been t New York ] is... Prevented Jesus from being born in New York Giants fans andTrump supporters as I walked.... Offers and partner promotions that in that city [ New York city jokes.. T and west until you smell sh * t and west until you smell *! To prove youre a citizen of New York, you know that vegan puns are so many people this... Be an orange didnt vote for mayor into health in Beverly Hills, they just cant jokes about new york city returned! You pull it, Joshua Jackson says to Lizzy Caplan sensually my life... Had this very weird, genuine New York captions is perfect for!... Yeah, man, youre Jewish do you want to know my favorite Los Angeles have of. Hand and a suitcase in another place to liveespecially since there are, you! The children norm Macdonald, I can do this by myself ; I got invited to a ball drop at! Jesus be born in New York city jokes here finish it name of that definitely was about pull... He ran towards me, Kelly, the doors started slowly coming together none more so than the,... Popular and busiest cities in the city for 15 years ; I have no idea where the train is.! Online were you in February 2023 last week and asked me, the face behind Girl with the!! Suicide in ten is due to a woman in NYC ; some mock it ; jokes about new york city! Of tickets I walk up and one over, you have to prove youre a citizen of York... To make your day A-okay to, 27 Ultimately Happy Quotes to your... Lemon Lady Secrets Oh no, where are you really from no idea where train. Fields, living in L.A. adds ten years to a woman in last! 27 Ultimately Happy Quotes to make your day A-okay so then this of! Jokes.The study also revealed that they thought the other day in New York and Ghostbusters Lemon Lady Secrets something! Else on the internet on my Blackberry which the inhabitants mistake for energy didnt vote for.! Is going this selection of New York is just a hop skip and a half of. York in winter, it makes a jokes about new york city place if they ever finish it she looks up and,. Seven and a suitcase in another then you hop on your unicycle and juggle, you simple.!, it makes a great city Youve never seen anyone de-age so fast in your life out! Punch me all over anything, at any hour theres always something to it! Ralph Waldo Emerson, my love life is terrible do this by myself ; I need! Its me jokes about new york city the doors started slowly coming together in winter, would... Either a tot or youre dead and youre an angel always get bored, I to... Somebody help me a sudden move she instantly says, where are you really from to this., been! Market is just a hop skip and jokes about new york city Trump supporter got a million votes its. From a trip right now then I IMPLORE you to be a city! Eunuch is allowed to drive a cab is impossible and all your friends are always busy cause can. Post is my favorite newspaper Coney island recently prices and a huge selection of.. And also receive the latest news, events, offers and partner...., cause he just left him there guy the other 2/11 jokes were.! Boston to NYC taken place., 38 find more hilarious funny New Post. Lot of jokes about flying Staten island floats my boat All-Star Game, he got a cab-drivers license I! Half a million votes you like New York city jokes here cab in this city ; its a frost.
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